Faith is great, the assurance of hope is all good and fine but none of it works when you’ve got a blocked heart. I guess it’s kinda like when you’ve got one of those pesky sinus infections and then the worst thing happens, one nostril is clogged. One nostril! You never get a really fresh and good breath of air, the headache starts, and all you want to do is crawl up in bed with the humidifier running.
It’s the same thing for faith when my heart closes.
It’s something I have to be conscious of, something I never really thought about until the last few years of my life. I close up, build walls, escape into myself and my inner voice starts to sabotage my life.
If you were a good (fill in the blank) you would do more, be more, have more. Why can’t you be better?
says my inner asshole voice.
The times in my life when I undermine myself are no less frequent than they were before, I just know they come and when they do, I pray. I meditate to the Holy Spirit and ask for my heart to remain open, to fill me with God’s energy, to help me center my consciousness and open up…
Because nothing is ever worth closing my heart.
Hi God, it’s me again. Help me understand how to remain open, I do not want to live with a closed heart. Use the energy from the Holy Spirit to open my heart so that I can be filled with Your love. So that I can love those around me to the best of my ability. Fill me with peace to block that voice within that continues to throw a wrench in my progress, the one that can shut me down so easily that I end up escaping into myself. I am in here, behind all of that noise. I am ready, as always, to take my heart back and give it to You. I’ll say it again, nothing is ever worth closing my heart to Your love, or just love in general. I love you. Thank you.